Me, Myself and I
by Mair Technosage
Summary: This is a companion fic to "Shinigami".  I'd strongly recommend you read that one first.


Title: Me, Myself and I

Author: Mair

Pairings: 1+2+1

Disclaimer: If I owned them, I'd be set! However, I don't own them. Therefore I trudge off to work every day in hopes to one day make enough money to buy the rights.

Warning: Liberties taken with o. chem., references to attempted suicide and mental anguish. No death occurs in this fic. Yay! "Shinigami" precedes this fic, so if you haven't read it yet-go read it!

* * *

><p>The first thing I remembered were people asking me questions. I don't remember answering them… I just remember the confusion. I didn't know why people would ask me things. I don't remember… anything.<p>

The doctors are confused now. A nice change, since they've driven me crazy for the past few months. They can't figure out why, but depending on the question, I either answer in English or Japanese. Never mind the fact that I can't either. I don't even realize I do it. They ask me questions about me and I respond in English, they ask me questions about if I have any family or loved ones and I respond in Japanese or English. Go figure. I love it. They can't figure it out.

The weird dreams are getting to me though. Lots of color and flashes. Hints of people… vague shapes… color of hair… but I can't ever figure out what they look like. At least I know I'm not blind. The Doc's said they had to do extensive reconstructive surgery and shit to my face, including my eyes, because of where they found me. Evidently some mobile suit crashed into an apartment building. They figure I was the only survivor, but with all the crispy-fied victims, they don't know if I was a pilot of one of the 4 suits or if I was a tenant. They just know I wasn't blind cause I remember color and what people look like.

* * *

><p>September 17th<p>

I'm claiming this as my new birthday. They took the bandages off of my face today so I can see for the first time in months! To encourage my memory and stuff they've suggested I keep a journal. This one.

Some rich chick's paid for all my surgery and stuff. Her name's Mariemaia Barton. Evidently this chick was some snot nosed kid that tried to take over the world a couple of years back. She had mobile suits and everything. Well, since her soldiers kinda ended up causing a lot of damage, and she feels bad about that, any damage caused by the now outlawed suits she takes care of with a special trust fund. It isn't all her money, she gets donations and all for it. She knew folks would try to make more suits or something and decided to take care of the folks that might get hurt. At least she's cool now. We get along –really- well.

Funny thing is… everyone seems to hate mobile suits, but… I don't know. I got hurt by one, indirectly, but I don't hate 'em. It's the pilot that causes the damage. Someone has to be able to pilot them and not cause damage. Ok ok, so the suits are built to cause damage but still!

Anyway, they took the bandages off. I'm looking at my face now. I know it's not right. And not because I don't have any hair—though they say that'll grow now that they've quit injecting the hair growth inhibiters to the IV. Made it easier to keep the bandages on but…I don't even know what color my hair's supposed to be. But my face, it doesn't look… right. My eyes are blue. I bet, in the right light, they might look purple-ish.

Sunglasses… where did they go? My eyes aren't used to all the light. Ah, there. All better.

I'm also fish belly white. That's gotta be from being inside this hospital. Mostly though, it's my nose, cheekbones and jaw that don't look right. Evidently they did as much surgery as they could with what I had left but there were some bits of bone missing (I don't want to know how hard I hit and got buried by the wall that I managed to leave bits of bone behind) so Mariemaia told the doc's to fill in with what genetic structure stuff she had in her family background. She feels kinda sorry for me not having any family any more so she had her family's estate adopt me. I'm her big brother now.

That's weird. I don't think I've ever been anyone's big brother.

Mariemaia told me I'd better pick out a name for myself since I can't remember mine. I'll get around to it. How much really goes with Barton anyway?

* * *

><p>September 20th<p>

Well… I've decided that I don't like going to the psychiatrist. It doesn't help that I went feeling awkward to begin with. She took a look at my journal. She noticed I didn't have anything in here about how I ended up in the hospital. I showed her my entry that the nurse did, the second one. She wanted to know more.

So I told her, the rescuers found me buried under a wall a building and a bit away from the crash site. I was close enough that I could've come from the original crash site since I was on the outside of the building but that they weren't sure who I was. Because of my impact with the wall I'd broken every bone just about on the front side of my body and my clothes and hair got all burned off. I've seen pictures of how my skin looked. It wasn't pretty and I don't eat chicken salad anything as a result.

She asked how long I'd been in the hospital and I told her. All wonderful 8 months. Have I mentioned yet that I don't like rehab either?

She asked why I didn't have any scars on my face. I reminded her about the skin grafts and advanced surgical techniques. My skin is –barely- mine. They regenerated it and bonded it on. I even showed her the scar at the base of my throat that went around my neck. They had to basically clone all the skin on my head just so I could have hair again.

Funny thing is that's the only scar that didn't heal and fade completely. At least I don't have to tell people, should they notice the very faint line around my new scalp that I didn't get plastic surgery or some joke like that. Even if it is kinda true.

Maybe I'll get a tattoo around my neck to hide the scar. I have enough of them on the rest of my body. I could hide this one that way. Nah… I'm just feeling self-conscious again 'cause she asked about it. Don't really care.

She wants to know if I remember anything. It all is object associated though. And it's just impressions.

She says the chances of me remembering anything now are slim to none.

I really don't want to think about that.

She asked me if I would be willing to try hypnosis.

I figure why bother. No one came to visit me in the hospital. Then again, the hospital did a DNA search for me, but had problems with the chemical burns from the fuel explosions… there wasn't anything uncontaminated to type at the time. And the chances of finding a DNA match in this day and age are next to impossible. What with 13 billion people in the known universe and all.

I wish they'd give me something interesting to read or listen to. Manga! That would be nifty. Maybe I can convince Mariemaia to bring something in next time. Ok, so I've only seen her 20 times in the past 6 months but… it's a possibility.

* * *

><p>October 10th<p>

Mariemaia reminded me about my need for a name. They're getting real tired of calling me John Doe. It kinda sounds right though. The psych agrees, course she tends to nod at just about everything I say. Maybe she's not agreeing. Mariemaia say's a friend of hers once called 'em shrinks.

That sounds more right than John Doe though. For a name for someone, that is.

So I looked through a Dictionary to find a name. I started at the back. Figured I'd fine more stuff. I found this word "dyad". It means a pair. I kinda like that. I have a pair of lives. The one I don't remember and the one I do. It'll work. Dyad Barton. I need a middle name. Dyad Barton sounds too short. And like someone else. Not as in it doesn't sound like me, but that it actually sounds like someone else's name kinda.

Dyad… Maximillian Barton. It… it doesn't sound right, but it sounds more right than just Dyad Barton. Dyad Maximillian Barton.

Mariemaia's laughing at me.

She better have brought the manga's and the music. If she didn't, I think I'll tickle her unmercifully.

* * *

><p>October 31st<p>

Free at last, I'm free at last! I love Halloween! Day of the dead, I love it! And I don't love it just for the sugar rush of candy I wasn't supposed to have! I got released today! After 10 months of being in the hospital I'm finally free! It was 10 months and 3 days ago that my accident happened and now I'm going to Mariemaia's country home! She's still corralled by her guardian who's a big shot in the Preventers so she's letting me use it.

Hmm… Once I get back on my feet completely, I could join in the fun with them. Sounds like something I'd get a kick out of.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>November 1st<p>

The house is nifty at least. I've got access to a private beach! Too bad I'm not allowed to swim in the surf for another 4 months at least. Damn spinal injuries. Have to stick with the pool. Lady Une gave me the keys to this place. Had an odd look on her face when she did too. I half expected a mansion and not this 4 bedroom place near the ocean 5 miles from the nearest town.

Some of the doorways are a little difficult to navigate with the cane but it's neat. There are so many colors! No red though, that's the strange part. I mean, there are some deep wine colors, but nothing that's a vibrant red. Or rust browns…

Mariemaia gave me some cookbooks and told me that for a couple months I'd have a housekeeper living here to help me out with meals and everything.

I guess she's still a little frazzled with the microwave incident on the plane.

Lady Une and Mariemaia are gone now. And as I sit here looking out at the ocean, I can't shake the feeling that this place is somehow familiar. There's an ache. An uncomfortable feeling that I shouldn't be alone in a place like this.

The housekeeper's here. Later.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>November 2nd<p>

Ok, I know where everything is. This is kinda weird. I haven't made an effort to know where things are, I just know. Meg, the housekeeper, seems a little surprised herself. The really weird thing is that sometimes I see her looking at me oddly. Not often, she's only done it twice… but…

I asked Mariemaia (note to self, shorten her name to M, takes too long to write) how she got a house here in America on the west coast. She got really quiet. She said that a friend asked her to take care of it for him. She didn't talk long after that. I just don't see how someone would give a place like this up. I haven't found anything personal about this place, just all the color and the view and the pool. I get the feeling that someone loved this place and really lived in it. But judging from M's reaction, I'd say that something happened… Something bad and so all memories of the happy people were removed so they wouldn't hurt any more.

I guess this house has another chance just like I do. No more memories, but willing to make new ones.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>November 14th<p>

Mariemaia called today. She wished me a happy Thanksgiving and told me she was sorry she wasn't able to get out here to spend it with me. I told her that was ok. Evidently the friend of hers who told her to take care of the house is having a hard time with the holidays.

Who ever it is, I don't blame them. Meg offered to stay and keep me company, but I shoo-ed her off to spend the time with her family. I'm in the mood for company, but not hers. If that makes any sense. I just want some quiet gathering. The one that appears in my dreams sometimes. It's a group of all different people… All the different shades of hair color. I even see me in there, though my hair never is the same length. Sometimes it's short, other times it's really really long. My hair is almost chin-length now.

I never actually want to cut it. It's weird. They trimmed it in the hospital, but I just kept telling them to let it grow. Maybe that's something from my past. The shrink says it might be.

I've started drawing. I'm not very good. I've been trying to draw the sunsets, Meg and my feet, but so far my muscle control isn't good enough to make them look like what they're supposed to be. The physical therapist that comes to the house thinks it's a good idea though for me to keep trying.

I just get frustrated. I'm supposed to be better than this!

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>November 18th<p>

Mariemaia stopped by today. She said that the friend of hers, one Heero Yuy by name, was close to committing suicide. Again. That got me mad. M and I got in a big argument. I mean, here's a guy who hasn't had the best life (or so I was later told by Meg two days ago) and lost their love (probably the one who decorated the house) but he has his family and friends and his memories! He has a career he can be proud of, he's respected and loved and cared for and he was about set to throw it away because he couldn't imagine life continuing without that one person.

It's kinda romantic, but I'd think that if he really loved that person so much he'd live for them so that when they get reunited in the here-after, he can tell them that he lived his life for them. That he experienced life and participated in it so they could too through him.

M didn't think I was being fair and told me I didn't know anything about it.

She's right, I don't. And I don't know why I feel the way I do but I do! And how does he know that person was "The One" anyway? His true love could be alive somewhere and he wouldn't even know it because he's too caught up in the past.

After M and Une left, I went out to the pool deck and just looked out toward the ocean. Meg came out a while later and found me crying. I didn't even know I was. Crying I mean. I hadn't done that since they changed the burn dressings in the hospital.

Bed now.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>December 1st<p>

Meg asked Mariemaia if she could stay on. She doesn't want to go back to running the diner in town and she knows I'd be lonely. I don't want her to go either. Mariemaia agreed. I sure do love M sometimes.

Did I tell you that she apologized to me for the fight we had after thanksgiving? I apologized as well. She confirmed my suspicions about the house.

And guess what? She's staying for the rest of the month! Une said she could stay and so she is! We are gonna have so much fun.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>December 5th<p>

Something happened. I went into town with M on the 3rd and we went looking for art for the house. My drawing is progressing, but it still isn't up to par really. It's cartoony looking. Anyway, we stopped in at the diner that Meg's family runs now and I saw a piece of art on the wall. Now, everything had a price in the place except this piece, never mind that this piece was one I really liked. Funny thing is, it's just a pair of hands intertwined. It's a view I saw in my head one night about a week ago. That's what got me started on drawing hands and giving up feet.

I asked about it and Meg's sister got this sad look on her face. She told me that it wasn't for sale. I asked her for the story behind it but told her she didn't have to tell me if she didn't want to. Kay said it was ok and she told me the story. Apparently it was done by the partner of Heero Yuy! Duo Maxwell! Apparently he died in the big mobile suit thingy in the city where I was found!

I kinda got sick to my stomach then… Duo Maxwell. The name sounded so familiar. M musta mentioned him. But… I couldn't help thinking about my own name. Dyad Maximillian Barton. I feel like I'm walking this guy's footsteps. The name, drawings he's done, his house, his friends… friend. It's freaky. I left fairly quickly. M didn't understand, but she figured the house and all kinda freaked me out now so she didn't press it. I don't think she fully understands though.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>December 16th<p>

I went Christmas shopping today. I finally managed to draw something I'm proud of so I figured I'd get a frame and frame it for M. I also picked up a gift certificate for Meg and I decided to get something for the infamous Heero Yuy. M told me that she told him I was using his house and he didn't mind. She did pass on the fact that if I messed anything up he said he'd kill me. She said it with a smile though so it must be a joke. Real funny. Ha. Ha. Ha.

After an exhausting two hours wandering around, I finally found it. (Maybe I should use the cane for the next couple of days… nah.) It's a puzzle box. If you don't move certain parts, you can't get it to open. I'm gonna put some stuff in the box too. A thank you letter, a key to the house (Mariemaia said he gave her all the keys to the place), a picture of a sunset at the house and a candle. I'm not sure about the candle though. I hope he doesn't take it the wrong way… Maybe I'll put a note in with the candle.

See, the thing with the candle is this; it's a reminder that the lighter of the candle has to act like a light in the world for their departed ones. It's like saying, hey, I remember you and I promise to never forget you and to live my life as you would prefer I live it- true to your memory. It's also symbolic of not being alone in the darkness of life without his loved one. An obscure invitation to bring memories back to the house… if he so wished.

Yeah, the candle will go with. Now I just have to pick up a couple other things for the folks that help me out and say hi and all. And Lady Une. Maybe some bath stuff… I bet she'd like rose scented stuff.

The shrink'll get candy. I can't wait until I no longer have to do vid-appointments with her. The phone is only slightly less nasty than in person things we did at the hospital.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>December 31st<p>

Well, remember how I talked about signing up for the Preventers? Well, I did, right after Christmas. M thinks this is a bad idea, victim of a mobile suit oops signing up for something that was partially responsible for the oops in the first place. Never mind that I might actually get thrown into one for some scavenger mission.

Little does she know that I think it's a fabulous idea. Mobile suits are fascinating.

M loved her present. I did a sketch of her watching the sunset. She said it was similar to something that Duo once did for her.

That weirded me out. I don't want to think about that.

At any rate, M called me when she got back to Une's place. She gave Heero and Une their presents from me and they were both surprised by them. Une opened hers first. She just stared for a while with an odd sort of smile on her face. Evidently Heero figured out the box fairly quickly, but wasn't expecting to find the things he did. He just stared. They both sent thank you notes.

I really don't understand that concept. Doesn't saying thank you over the vid work just as well?

The thing that really weirded me out was what M said they both agreed on. These were presents that Duo'd give. More or less.

Gives me the chills. I can't be Duo 'cause it's impossible. They didn't find a piece of his suit any bigger than a pen cap. There was no way he could've survived. I don't want to think about this.

D.M.B.

P.s.

At least I don't have to wear the sunglasses most of the time. My eyes are finally almost completely re-adjusted for normal light and all.

* * *

><p>January 17th<p>

Today was my first day as a Preventer cadet. All that rehab did me some sort of good. I managed to pass the basic physical exams. Lady Une said she'd put me on desk work until I got declared good as new from the doctor. The testing folks said I had a knack for finding holes in stuff though so they are pairing me with one of the folks who's good at planning basics but bad at the details.

I find out who my partner is tomorrow.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>January 18th<p>

I knew I knew that box! Can you believe it? Heero Yuy? Mr. Almost-suicidal from Thanksgiving and savior of the world happens to be Dyad Barton's partner? I asked M about it when I got back to the house- she just said her guardian had a knack for seeing things in people. I think she pulled strings because of M's feelings.

This guy though… Heero Yuy drop-dead gorgeous. He has amazing hair, I can't believe he really doesn't do anything to actually make it stick out like that. It's fashionably messy, probably soft. And his eyes, they're so intense… but cold, so cold.

It's odd. For someone who seems to have loved someone so intensely, none of that passion seemed to stick around. He barely talks and never to me. It's like I'm not there. He'll sketch out a mission, hand it to me, and then take it back when I hand it to him.

He hasn't even said anything about the box or the house… Yet he has the box on his desk.

I wonder if he's even connected me with the person who gave him that stuff. Not that I'm looking for a gushing thank you or anything but… I guess I just want some kind of connection. Yeah, I'm his partner but that was all Une. I want something because of me… or him. I don't know.

You know something… I'm glad my collar covers up the scar. I've never been self conscious about it before really… I was for a while once I got unwrapped but…

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>March 7th<p>

I had a bad month. The shrink said it was post traumatic stress syndrome. I really don't care.

This is what I know. The 1 year anniversary of the accident combined with seeing Heero shoved me over an edge in my mind. The last thing I remember is sitting at my desk hearing Heero tell someone else to tell me something to do. Not like it was that unusual… But it still stung. So the next thing I knew I was in the hospital waking up and that it was February 24th.

It hurt. I can understand if having me as a partner after your last one died makes you a little hostile. But to go out of your way to ignore them? To force them to watch as you wallow in sorrow as the 1 year anniversary of your lovers death comes up on you even as their trying to deal with their own shit regarding the loss of everything they knew… Even now I feel the chill go up my arms.

It's a shock to hear from Quatre, the one Heero had been talking to who later visited me in the hospital to explain things, that I had just fallen out of my chair, curled up into a fetal position and started crying. He said that he almost collapsed when he felt the backwash from me. He said he wasn't even a strong empath, but that his bond with me for some odd reason was really strong and it felt like I stabbed him.

Hearing that did wonders for my self esteem, let me tell you.

I asked if he could bring me a drawing tablet next time he came to visit. Somehow, I knew he would. Today, the first thing he did was to hand one over.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>March 11th<p>

I freaked a couple people out today. See, my hair reaches just past my chin now and normally I pull it back in a pony tail. I figured I'd try and sketch myself with long hair. Really long hair. Just to see what it'd look like. They've been after me to cut it at work. Not like they ever give Chang Wufei any grief about his.

So I used the mirror in the room and tried it. It didn't come out right though. I made the cheekbones a little different as well as the nose and chin. And I put "my" hair in a braid. I looked a little funny so I gave myself bangs. I knew I didn't look like that, the picture, but it looked… right. I showed Quatre when he came next and he just turned pale. He asked me where I'd gotten a picture of Duo.

See, Heero never lets pictures of Duo stay around where he could see them. Quatre knows that. Personally, I think it's a stupid, idiotic way of grieving…dishonoring their life and memory like that—by not even looking at them. Gee I sound like Wufei.

Anyway, I told him I'd never seen a picture of him to know if it was.

He took a picture out of his wallet that was a few years old. It was of Duo and Heero. Made me smile to see a smile on Heero's face. He never does. Damn he looked good. Well… my smile faded quickly when I looked at Duo. The sketch I'd done of me was a spitting image of the Duo in the picture except for the positioning.

I looked up to see him staring at me. He looked kinda amazed and horrified at the same time. Then he asked if he could borrow the picture.

I told him he could because it wasn't really me that I'd drawn and he dashed off with my tablet. That kinda pissed me off cause then I didn't have anything to do. He asked for the picture not the whole tablet. M came by later and was acting weird and asked me about the picture.

I really wish I hadn't done it now.

* * *

><p>April 3rd<p>

I think they lied when they said memory couldn't come back after 3 months. Wufei took me on a trip. He said it was a mission, but I have my doubts about the kind of mission. We went to L2. I had weird dreams the entire time. I also led the way most of the places we went.

It wasn't like things were familiar, as much as they were just things I knew. Like speaking Japanese and English.

Heero was glad to see me go though. Evidently my calling him Yuy-chan had gotten on his nerves a bit much. I only did it for the short bit, as a kind of pay back, after I got out of the hospital between the hospital stay and the trip.

We're now sitting in a control room of this neat "underground" lab. Found it a short while ago, yes on L2. Wufei's online with Trowa telling him what we found. I'm playing with buttons, nothing's labeled and it's my job to find out what this stuff does. So far so good.

Ooh! Nifty! Laser sites! And the button next to it even fire's 'em! Remind me to apologize to Wufei when he figures out that I just blew the rear tire on the jeep.

It's like I've been in this place before. But that it's been a really long time.

People don't move from the colonies to Earth though, maybe I just knew a place like this on Earth.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>April 21st<p>

They threw me in the flight simulator today. I wish they'd let someone other than Heero run the program. It really sucked. I mean, I barely knew what I was doing!

* * *

><p>Ok, I just got the scores back… Maybe I did know what I was doing.<p>

Quatre just told me that my flying techniques were dead on with Duo Maxwell's.

I feel like I'm competing with a ghost to be his replacement. That really sucks.

It's Heero's birthday in a couple of day's. I've been invited to his surprise party. I suppose that means I have to bring a gift. Well, that and put up with him not being overly enthusiastic about being unexpectedly mobbed and then figuring out I'm there and ignoring me for the entire time I manage to be there. Great, there goes my Friday night.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>April 24th<p>

What's going on? I'm confused. Really really confused… I've started carrying this journal with me so I can write things down quickly when I think of them. As if you couldn't tell from some of the previous entries. I'm glad I have it tonight.

It's his birthday party. My gift, he saved for last. I don't know why, but I saw him noticeably do it. I gave him a cd of some old traditional Japanese music and tyko drumming. With that I also gave him a book, "Modern Society", it's about the traditions and customs people follow today and why and what countries those relate to. It's a neat book.

But when he looked up, he looked as though he'd been ripped into. Everyone at the party was silent as well. Then I heard someone mutter a question as Heero practically ran from the room. The answer to the muttered question was that "Duo gave him that book for Christmas before he died."

The other ex-gundam pilots just looked at me as though I'd grown another head. Then Sally came in and pulled them aside. I just heard her ask where Heero was before I took off to this corner of the garden outside. I don't want to go back in there so people can ask me how I could give him something without asking one of the other pilots first what they'd think.

I didn't know! It just felt right! Always go with your emotions and all that right? I will not cry…

Sally found me outside. She seemed a little uneasy about the spot she found me in. I don't want to know why.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>May 1st<p>

I just got my journal back. I don't know who took it but it doesn't really matter as long as they don't do it again. If they do I swear I'll drag their sorry ass to death's door myself. This is personal stuff in here.

Heero requested another partner. I'm being shifted to work with Wufei. Sally got bumped to part of the earthbound Mars project stuff. She did ask if she could get a DNA sample though before she left. She's coming by in a couple of days to snag it.

M refuses to tell me anything that's going on. I hate this.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>May 4th<p>

Sally stopped by to take a DNA sample. Looking back through my journal, I remember now why they couldn't take a sample at the hospital. Though why she's after one now I have no clue. It's not like it'll make a difference. The likelihood of someone being a genetic match for me out there is pretty dang high.

Wufei is an interesting enough partner. He actually acknowledges my presence, unlike a certain _someone_ I could mention. I still can't believe he requested another partner. If he didn't like my pestering that much he could've just told me to knock it off.

Who 'm I kidding. We may not have talked much, but I understood Heero. Wufei, I don't connect as well with. We have arguments over mission planning and execution. Heero and I, for all we did, didn't. Ok, so he never talked to me period.

I … I think I miss it.

K'so.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>May 10th<p>

I need time off. Now.

I didn't even actually request it from Une. I sent her an email and left. I just got off the phone with Sally…

I don't want to think about this.

I'm on my way back to the beach house. During the week I'd lived in Preventers housing in the city, I can't go back to there. I need the peace and quiet. I need my now weekend house.

My half memories were actually accurate. All the ones I mentioned in here and the ones I didn't. Oh God… I… I'm not competing against a ghost… I'm competing against myself…

Sally say's I'm a 100% match for Duo Maxwell.

D.M.B…

D.M.

Oh… God…

* * *

><p>May 12th<p>

My dreams have been flying fast and furious. The Thanksgiving dream… it's allegedly the memory of us all having dinner hear the year Heero and I moved in… The hand's picture, I drew it and when I "died" Heero donated it to my favorite restaurant in town. Me knowing the house, I lived in the damn thing for 3 years on the hacked money from OZ accounts. Starting to draw again, picking up the hobbies of the past few years. Almost remembering L2, I grew up there…

They say the body never forgets the skills it learned. That explains all of the things I tried to do and why I got frustrated when I couldn't do them. I'm not ready for this. I'm not prepared for this. I can't believe this.

I need to stop thinking about this.

D.M. *scratched out B*

* * *

><p>May 20th<p>

The phone's rung almost every hour on the hour for the past week. I had to unplug the thing. I think they know I'm here still. I don't want them to know. I have to hide. I'm having more dreams… about Heero. I sent Meg away yesterday. She wasn't happy. She made me promise to eat. I can't. I can't sleep. I'm afraid. I-

* * *

><p>June 17th<p>

I passed out after that last entry. I probably would've died at the house except for the fact that Heero came. He found me with a raging fever and clutching what was apparently my favorite pillow. He called to let everyone know where I was and then they all refused to help him. Like Mr. Sensitive really has a bedside manner, lucky me.

Mariemaia told him that if he wanted to ever see if I was truly the one he'd fallen in love with then he'd need to make his peace with me. Which meant learning about me. She hadn't liked the fact that ever since I became his partner he'd been ignoring me. Yes, I do talk to her. She said that I was obviously a different person now with different way's of doing things. Some were the same, but that I was more respectful, quiet, thoughtful and introspective.

I guess Heero told her that I always had been but now I didn't have a mask to hide behind. I was semi-lucid for that conversation. Then I sank into another odd dream/nightmare.

He ended up reading my journal. We had a long talk about it. He was still hurting but starting to finally heal. I'm still confused. And… angry, I think.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>June 25th<p>

Definetly mad. He's in love with the memory of what I was! I don't even look the same! He's treating me weird and I don't know how to react and he keeps expecting me to have some sort of breakthrough!

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>July 13th<p>

Why won't people leave me alone! Heero's being an overprotective jerk, Une's checking up more than she's ever done in my short remembered life, Mariemaia's acting weird and Quatre insists on ESCORTING Heero and I to _MY_ shrink appointments!

I don't want to go, I liked the hospital shrink tons more than the Preventer one I'm dragged to and the rest are standing back on the edges of things just waiting for some kind of break-through! Even Wufei and Trowa whom I trusted enough to _NOT_ do that!

Two months ago they could've cared less about Dyad Barton, but now I'm some fragile thing too childlike to even be a person! I hate it! I just want them all to go away!

And if they don't, I will.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>July 19th<p>

It's amazing how much the body remembers. I couldn't stand it anymore so I'm on the run. I tried breaking into Heero's files and succeeded. Purchased a lap top via the old account info he had listed for me back when I had my memory. Arranged to pick it up at the shuttleport along with my ticket. I stuck a bum on the shuttle instead of me. He wanted to go see the stars. Good thing the ticket is for L4 instead of L2. I hear L4 is a nicer place.

Yesterday I got everything arranged the way I want it on the laptop. Even got all the hacked files from Heero's computer safely hidden away where only I can find them. I love free drop boxes on the net. They can store almost anything until you're ready to upload something.

I've got my hair loose and a hat on. I should be able to blend right on in. Bet they won't expect me to move into a house in town in a couple of weeks. I should have enough facial hair to pull it off by then.

I know part of the reason they never connected me to Duo Maxwell now… I found a couple audio files buried on his hard drive. My voice sounds different. More precise. I don't have as many ups and downs in my speech any more. Before my voice kinda went everywhere with what I felt and thought, now it doesn't.

Why is this so hard?

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>August 30th<p>

Even though everyone knows me as John Davidson, I've decided to combine my old name and my new one. M did adopt me… And I am Duo Maxwell… even though I don't remember everything.

Kinda makes me feel like I'm married to Trowa or M or something though. Duo Maxwell-Barton. Same initials, just not quite the same thing. After a bit of fiddling I managed to send M and Lady Une an email. I haven't checked my email since.

These days I just draw what's in my dreams. I've filled one sketchbook in the 2 1/2 weeks I've been here and I'm a third of the way through the second. It's helped me sort out my thoughts.

I'm not ready to face any of the others yet. If they showed up I'd be really pissed and probably try and kill who ever it was. I bet I could do it to. I've come to the conclusion that the others didn't want anything to do with me while I was Dyad Maximillian Barton because I was just a rookie; gifted, perhaps, but inexperienced and untried and saddled with someone who needed their support for having a partner again. I don't like it, but that's probably the case.

I do recall thinking Lady Une pulled strings.

Strings. I've got quite a few of those to the past. Flipping back through my sketches, I've decided that most of my dreams have been related to my lost bits of memory. A lot of them are about Heero. … Ok, maybe all of them about Heero aren't memory. He's still one handsome man!

Still, the dreams where it's been me and the guys and the others… Relena, Noin, Sally, Dorothy, Zechs and co. …Those feel real. Some of the ones with Heero feel real too but it's like… I don't know what it's like.

I'm not talking about the person in the flush of lust here… I wake up feeling differently from them. It's like how you almost remember having a conversation with someone when you were half-asleep. You kinda remember the conversation when you wake up but you aren't sure if it happened but you think it did because it seems so real.

Does that make sense?

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>September 17th<p>

I'm feeling more charitable toward my fellow man so today, my chosen birthday of many moons ago; I have decided to check my email. I love the net.

Except for when one's inbox is flooded because Heero managed to track Mariemaia's email to this account and he's written to try and find out where I am and to threaten me.

Hm.

M gave me an open invitation to talk, she's glad that I'm safe but wishes I was back with the others.

Heero- now that I read these, most of these aren't actually from him… It's Quatre. He used Heero's email program because it had my addy in it. He's backing off. He understands. He wants me to email him so he can let Heero know I'm ok. He didn't take my disappearance well.

At the risk of sounding juvenile, WELL DUH!

Ok, there goes my semi-happy mood. Happy birthday to me, an attempted guilt trip from a pint sized blond HELLION! I swear-

Well that's entertaining. I get an email from him via his own email while I'm online. And he's apologizing. He must not have been kidding about that whole empathy strength thing.

I shut down the computer after that bit. Happy birthday to me. Heero's gonna have to some to me on my terms. Email. He has to communicate with me.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>October 4th<p>

Heero actually wrote a calm email. Only took him fifty or so tries. He knows this is the only contact he's going to get but I can't shake the feeling that he's trying to find a way to track me down. Good luck. I've had an entire two months to lay down false lines.

I must say, art work certainly is profitable. Though I do have to say, managing to create false identities good enough to fool people over the net and not knowing how you know what you do, is very disconcerting.

Chatting online with folks does help.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>October 19th<p>

The time away from the others has been beneficial. Already things make more sense about me now that I'm able to think about them fully.

I saw Heero and Quatre today in town. My hair was tucked up under my hat and I was wearing clothes that are so different than what I'd wear otherwise… He looked terrible.

He's been so careful about what he's written in his emails… I get about one a day. It's like he's deliberately avoiding certain topics. Now I can see why. It makes me uncomfortable.

Heero… loved me. And when I died, the one person who understood him and forced him out of his shell, it was as if I betrayed him somehow. He didn't understand how I could have gotten into that position with the suits. He spent the entire year trying to figure that out and then he got saddled with me. Someone whose eyes and hair were so close to his lost loves…someone who gave gifts along the same lines…someone who had a similar way of doing things but didn't look like his love. Who he thought wasn't his love because that was impossible. His love was dead. So, in order to protect me and himself, he requested another partner. Then he found out who I was. Then he pissed me off and I left when he did the only thing he could think of to do.

You know that talk we had… I don't think we connected during that discussion.

Knowing this… It doesn't make things any easier. No matter how I might want to give him a hug and to brush his soft hair back from his face, I can't give in about this. If I'm not honest with myself, honest about us (not like there really is at this point), then how can I do things right in the future? I've never lied… I haven't told the whole truth, but the bare minimum, sometimes… but I've never lied. And that is something I was famous for apparently. I guess some things don't change.

At least the emails are helping.

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>November 15th<p>

I can't believe it. I told him I'd see him. What am I going to do? I think I love him. I think I've fallen in love with Heero via email!

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea… email I mean. He talks more in it but will that change face to face? Who's to say he won't flinch at the sight of who I am now? What if he just feels what he does for me out of obligation? What if he's built up this partially merged construct of who I was and am now?

I just don't know. What am I going to do?

I have to shave the beard off. I can't shave, I'm shaking.

Mariemaia! I'll call her!

D.M.B.

* * *

><p>November 17th<p>

Man I rambled. That previous entry was me without my mind. Well, it's now fill-in-the-blanks time.

After that entry, I called M. Evidently Quatre's kept her posted while they've lived at the house. She told me that Heero kept one or two pictures of us and scanned one of them. She told me he retouched it to look like I do now and then pasted the semi-transparent pic over the old version. He has it on his desk.

M also commended my efforts to hide my trail, but told me that Trowa found me a week ago. She say's he hasn't told anyone but her and Une. I find it hard to believe he'd keep it from Quatre and Wufei.

After she calmed me down, we talked for a while and caught up. She was impressed that I managed to sort some of my memories out and offered to send me every last bit of info she had on my past so I would know even more.

Pilot testimonies included.

I don't know if I want to hear/read that.

So after I hung up with M, I was able to shave. My face feels a whole lot lighter now. It really is a good thing I didn't spend much time in the sun. No tanline. Well… kinda… but it's really hard to see.

The next morning was hard though. I woke up nervous. The shower didn't even help much. I decided to dress all in black. It just made me feel more comfortable. I tied my damp hair back in a ponytail at the base of my neck and walked into town.

It's really entertaining to see people do a double take. I also don't have any more doubts about being Duo Maxwell Barton (that really sounds weird.), formerly known as Dyad Maximillian Barton, formerly known as Duo Maxwell.

People recognized me as both because of the hair and my current face. It's kinda odd.

Kay and Meg's reaction at the diner, where Heero strangely waited with his back to the door, were priceless. Dropped dishes and all.

My amusement disappeared though as Heero turned around. Would you believe he just stared? I didn't know what he was going to do. Then he got up, walked over and hugged me. Then he apologized. To Dyad. To me. He understood!

I moved in a daze for a while after that. We ended up spending the whole day together and he actually took the time to watch_ me_. Not watch for the me who used to be, or the lost me, but the _me_ that I am now and today!

Heero even walked me back to the house. He cursed when he saw where I stayed. Eventually he glared at me and told me to stop laughing. Then I told him that Trowa'd known for the past week. That's when he decided the glare wasn't working. He tried tickling me to give me a reason to keep laughing. That's when he found out I wasn't ticklish in certain spots any more. He took that kinda personal and got this real determined look on his face and found new spots where I was ticklish.

Note to self. Never challenge Heero Yuy to do anything. He'll do it.

When I couldn't breathe any more, he finally stopped. I guess me falling to the ground and turning purple from the lack of oxygen made him consider that maybe it wasn't the wisest course of action to continue. He sat down beside me on the front step and waited for me to catch my breath. Once I managed that, it almost stopped again when Heero caressed the side of my face.

He stared while his fingers traced my cheekbones and jawline. I could barely feel him; his eyes just held mine. It was like he was trying to re-memorize the way my face went. I don't even know who moved closer. All I remember thinking was "he's gonna kiss me-" over and over again. Then he did. Feather light. I fixed that. Then it got more serious.

He pulled back and apologized again. To Duo err Dyad. He didn't know what to call me.

I didn't either. Earlier I'd decided to go by Duo Maxwell Barton. I can't remember the reasons why though. Why and how I got the name; and I told him that.

Then Heero told me that Duo Maximillian Barton would sound better. Then he asked if I was going to start braiding my hair again.

I shrugged. Then he told me that my braid had been my way of visibly connecting to the past. Heero said that my name was the same kind of thing. He said that I'd kept my braid to remember those at Maxwell Church. If I changed the name, I could keep the braid as my visual reminder.

I asked him then if it served to remind him that I was really the old Duo. I didn't want to be second best to the ghost of my own self.

He gave me an odd look and said that I always seemed to be more attached to my hair and that a braid is a logical way to keep long hair from catching on things. Then he told me he had a mild hair fetish and said his revised name for me.

That startled me. It was like he was recognizing me again. It looked like he really did connect now with me and not the past. Hope is an incredible thing. He kissed me again goodnight and asked if he could take me out on another date.

I think I said yes. All I know is that this feels right. Some of the things make me a little nervous, but I don't really care 'cause it's a good kind of nervous.

You know… thinking about this today and writing it all down, if the way he treats me is any indication of how the rest have changed from everything… I think it could be time to go back to work.

Yes, I think it is.

Hello world, this is Duo Maximillian Barton, aka the pilot formerly known as Shinigami, and I'm back!

Duo M. Barton.


End file.
